I Watched My Brain Turn Ashtray

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Blues in the Sunshine

Seventeen years of sobriety under my waist

And since then, alcohol and weed have been a regular taste. 

My mom still loves my face when my eyes are red after coming home late and I tell her I’m going to bed.

When I’m hungry she keeps me fed and love doesn’t have to be harder than that. 

She puts the clothes on my back that my girlfriend loves to take off me. 

That girl’s skin tastes like wasabi and only gets naughty under my covers.

It took me a whole year to tell her I lover her but now she’s just something I want to smother. 

When I’m all alone I still think of her before the girls I never got a chance with. 

She calls my phone after tequila’s got her sick of dancing. 

I have so much love but I still can’t sleep. 

These blues keep pulling my blankets off and tickling my feet. 

Optimism gets a little harder to find when I keep peaking through the blinds and after a long day on my ass I still feel a need to unwind.

Love just doesn’t stick to my mind when I’m home alone and I can’t tell the time. 

It’s alright but it’s not very bright

I think the thing is that I wish you didn’t see my weakness.
That I could have blinded you from pointless jealousy
And tied cloth over your eyes every other week when I’m heartless.
It’s a notion that I can’t speak
At least not to you.
If I felt close to my friends I’d tell them
But instead I’ll cook dinner with a six pack of beer.
I’ll listen to a lot of sad songs wishing I had it that bad.
Mostly that I could be beautifully hurt in a way that justifies my dispassion
But I just can’t complain.
No matter how much I wish for rain,
It just stays cloudy.
I don’t know why I’m destructive at 21
And I’m not sure why I bothered conjuring this.
It’s the same old sad story of my other half trying to keep it together
While I play with the strings like a fence.
I’d tell you if I could only make sense.
I only regret this in past tense.
I’ll leave the stove on and let it simmer on my vacation.
I’ll just zip up my bags with my A/C on high over summer break
And I think it’s just to see how much you can take.

Good times

I still catch a buzz off cigarettes I roll
And my bank account hasn’t landed in double digits.
I still feel my eyes dilate at new faces
And there are intangible things I can’t shake.
I still wonder if I could ever love just one woman
And I feel terrible that just one could love me.
I still feel that there is someone I’d like to be
But I’m completely satisfied with how I’ve turned out.
I never really feel completely out of luck
Because I know that sometimes life just sucks
But the bad times are alright in the past
When everything I see is through a half full glass.

Barefoot with rats

It’s going to be a long night in the basement.
I’ll be staring at the walls smoking with dead rats.
Feeling nothing at all when I try to keep my head from falling;
I’d say I’m waiting for a call but it’s easier to give up.
Part of being brave is that you’re still afraid but I’m not.
The spiders won’t bother me at all
As I remain to stall,
I’ll just lay down and I’ll sprawl because I need the space.
Here, I am your slave you don’t have to persuade me.
I’ll stay in my cave and wait for you to save me.

Spreading legs of spiders

I know I was a bastard.
I know you knew what I was up to
And you still let me figure it out.
Time, space, and freedom were given from the kind hands you sit on
And I just let you until they went numb.
I know you’re not dumb.
I was either too selfish to run
Or I just didn’t have it in my lungs.
Somehow you still stuck close to your soul
And for some reason I decided to notice.
Water hit the ground with our clothes
And I held the curtain for you as an offer, I suppose.
Warm puddles formed around your toes while I stood under the faucet.
Somewhat exhausted, I couldn’t open my eyes.
Baptized in love, there’s less clarity in my disguise while my skin is indented.
I intend to love you like I did in that shower.
I will keep you warmer than that water
And I won’t let a good girl get used as fodder.
I could watch all of empire with you
While I give all of Kuyler to you.
I pray all your darkness turns blue
And all my feelings are true.


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