I Watched My Brain Turn Ashtray

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What can be Built in a Day

Stuck with a hangover that is as bad in my stomach as it is in my head,
I am left with a bite mark on my shoulder.
I would have tattooed it there if you were a different person,
But I still rub my finger over it and wondering if I missed the foreshadow.
Beers at nine in the morning tasted good with you.
I had only shared the bond with one other friend before.
Naps on the couch were hopeful.
So many girls had made me sweat through my clothes before,
But being drunk can be a terrible thing.
If it weren’t for the demons who hide inside us
It could just be seen as childish,
But there they stay until your unconscious being pulled by strings.
They slur the words you’d never thing of.
They laugh about the things you will cry about tomorrow.
They are ugly but they are a part of us.
I’ve tried to excuse myself plenty of times,
But I’m glad you didn’t try the same.
You couldn’t believe what you did,
But I believe you felt shame.
It could have been bad timing,
Or maybe we would always encounter this.
It’s possible that two people can be bad for each other,
Despite it making sense for love to come out of it.
I try not to think too deeply into it
Because I know I did my best.
The impression of your teeth will change colors,
And it will be less swollen tomorrow.
I’ll choose to think of it like the most heart turning short film
And appreciate the art of how quickly you can be comfortable then
destroyed.
I would have hated you when I was younger
But I am no longer a little boy.
I can forgive girls who are different when they are drunk.
It’s hard,
And I don’t really want to,
But I know that I should,
And that’s what I’ll do now.
I’ll put you on a canvas,
And admire the time that I thought I had you.

I’ll be another filter on the floor

My lips that grip the cigarette,
Flick it I’ll still have the rest,
I’ve tried many times to quit
But there was always bullshit
That wrangled up my change
And bought another pack.
You wish that I would take you back,
But unlike my cigarettes,
Any time I feel some stressed
You never cross my mind.
My rib still hurts more or less,
And I still get depressed,
Despite that I feel refreshed
I can smoke my cigarettes just fine.
I can’t stop regret,
But there’s no need to fret,
Just smoke another cigarette
And I will fade away in time.

The Depression You Hold on to.

I am the pain you will never hate
Because I leave before you’re awake.
I speak in a language you can’t translate
Until you’re on your own and it’s already too late.
Someday I’ll be able to find my light
But you know it won’t be tonight.
Speak my name only out of spite
And know that I will lose the fight.
We will both be happy in the end
Though I have lost you as a friend.
There will be so much time to spend
Lusting in ways that don’t seem pretend.
There will always be hearts at my feet
And there be shame if I deceit.
I don’t blame you if you think I’m a deadbeat
Because I kept our love in the back seat.
I continue to live the same narration,
Cutting ties to stagnate relations.
I know when I reach my salvation
There will be girls at my grave giving a standing ovation.

Thawing

I tell myself I’m a lover in the day time
When I’m sitting in the basement of my home
But when the lights go out in my head on the weekend
I tell you everything that would make you want to go.
I wake up with amnesia still believing in that good man
Until I’m told that you deserve an apology from me.
I can let the headaches go even if it makes the night slow.
I can rid that man that shows up with eyes as empty as the can in his hand.
I won’t make anyone love me with an asterisk
And I won’t continue putting my relationships at risk.
I will prove I can over come this
And live a life with exposed wrists.

Playing Possum

I hope you regret picking your mind over your heart.
I hope you’re too scared to tell me I was right
But I still remember the night you showed up blacked out
Your lipstick smeared from trying new boys out
You were angry but then you passed out
I left you on the couch.
The next morning you came upstairs
and I sent you one floor higher.
That’s last time I made you smile
And I wish I could have ended there
But I’m always scared of letting go
So you know I over stayed my welcome.
I just couldn’t break the full nelson
But when you see me next I’ll still be the cute boy with a mustache
And I’ll still wonder why I ever tried to make it last.

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