I Watched My Brain Turn Ashtray

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how quiet and small i feel

I know I’ve been lonely,
But I’m not forgotten.
The people are waving.
I know I’ve still got them.

It’s like I can’t breathe right.
My chest, it just feels tight.
Sometimes it loosens,
And sometimes I’ve lost it.

Chasing these late nights.
Dreams blend with real life.
You can come with me.
We can just ride bikes.

I can study your tattoos
When I’m lying with you,
And I’m scared shitless
That I some how still exist.

Thank you for caring.
I can start sharing
The thoughts that I have
When you catch me staring.

It’s not that they’re all bad.
Sometimes I just feel small,
But you made me feel tall,
And I’ll admit that I’m glad.

I’ll try to stop crying
When I think of back home.
I’ll try to look forward
To what these people offer.

I see love surrounding.
My heart won’t stop pounding.
It’s sort of grounding
To see the ways I’ve changed.

Social Slacker

Just to think how it’s been two years since I have had the courage to help someone outside my own life.
I’ve forgotten what it’s like to sacrifice myself for the sake of being kind.
Motivated by self interest, I’ve discredited myself for having any time.
So lonely and quiet it has been inside my mind.

Do I have the patience to be uncomfortable progressing toward my aspirations,
Or will I decline the call for help that I can see present on many faces?
Will the guilt catch up to me and guide me where I am truly needed,
Or will I let the fear find a place just far enough away to barely consider myself good?

I’m not quite sick of the time I waste but I know it’s going to be here soon.
I wonder if I’ll take steps towards a well planned fate or an uninspired doom.

My room just feels difficult to feel alone these unthought out days.
I need to find a way to justify the way that I want praise.
I’ll will try find discipline to accomplish things I never thought I could.
Just keep me humble until I find a way to grow the way I should.

Sweat it out

I told you last August that this would never endAnd by this August, we will be leaving all our friends. 
I’m sorry I’ve been cold for the past dozen weeks
I just need you to take me with you to the heat. 

I can get struck with venom
And learn astrological lessons. 
My back against spine
Cactus water turns to wine.  

Emotionally, I’ve lived inside
To the point that my melanin is deprived. 
Now an hour from my bloodline,
Our faces can taste the lips of sunshine. 

Flowers will try to survive on the counter
As your eyes begin to lift from the floor. 
Our struggle is slowly becoming power 
As my eyes continue rising toward the sky.

 

Genetics make it difficult to put down our beer
But family will still plan visits early next year. 
Sickness found a home in both our heads
Stapling eviction notices, hoping we won’t end up dead. 

Daisies turn to marigold. 
We won’t see them when they bloom. 
I mean, 
We won’t die here when we’re old. 
We just need a little growing room. 

 

For the Reasons I Don’t Like Talking About Before We Met.

I have a worried mind, but you always take the time to make sure I’m fine.
I know it’s hard to love through accusations of actions from people of my past,
But I remember you telling me that you felt like the worst people got the best version of you.

I wonder how many lovers wish they met when they were younger.
What it would be like if they met before their dreams were stressful,
and before they found out how easily words can be fiction.

Good months break down to weeks,
But our love is still sturdy.
Sometimes it’s just not saying much and holding on until we can get out of bed.
Sometimes it’s accidentally kissing your teeth when you are singing to me.

I’ve been appreciating you a lot lately.
I know we’ve been pretty lazy,
but I don’t mind blaming it on the weather.
We are still young in our endeavors
And you know I’m down for whatever.
I know that this will get better
And I’m fine waiting with you,
even if it takes forever.

Smile Good.

Leave your wrists open
While keeping blood inside your skin.
You poses the strength within to cleanse the stains of impressionable sins.
With a sacrament of gin,
You shed fear like an article of clothing and let me in.
It is that same fear that manifests loathing and restrains you from growing.

Feel your throat clear from suffocation
And guide your respiration into meditation.
Just be patient.
See the relation of conversation and medication.
Adjust the orientation of the knot in your brain until it loosens.
There are illusions in translation of intention and perception
The speed of life is at your discretion
So smile like adolescence
Look for the bit of you that’s kind
And climb the fences in your mind

What you seek to find has been in your grasp
Since you’ve been skipping class and picking dandelions out of the grass.
So stay out past the street lights
Despite the bugs that bite.
Grass stains will wash off your pants
So don’t forget how to dance
Until you have to sneak words
In between deep breaths for air.
No matter how far you roam
You will hear the echo of your name
And know that you’re welcome home.