What I Think About at Night

by kuylerquijas

I remember day so well now
I just left your house.
You told me that you loved me oh so much
and then I kissed your face for the last time.
A couple hours he came knocking on your door.
You didn’t want to let him in, but
You didn’t want to leave him out in the cold.
So you take your time and open the door slowly
He’s got flowers in his hand he says, “I’m oh so sorry.”
He let himself inside your house and
you didn’t quite know what to say to him.
He grabbed your hand and told you, “please forgive me.
Its not my time and place but just hear me out.
I’ve been at home so all alone and
I can’t get the taste of you out of my mouth.”
He lead you up stairs and counted all the steps.
Lead you to your room oh god what is coming next.
Please don’t make me watch this darling
Just let me leave im begging.
He close the door as he lead you in.
You didn’t quite know what say still.
I hadn’t been in your life all that long and
maybe he fixed all the things about him that were wrong for you.
He grabbed you by the belt and pulled you closer.
Your lips met his but the story isn’t yet over.
He pushed you down on the bed and undressed you,
like he used to.
He kissed your stomach where my lips had just left
and you hadn’t even had the time to wash them off yet.
Is this something you’ll regret?
An hour passes and now your crying.
You try to look around but your tears are blinding your sight.
You try to write it down but you cannot document it.
So you call me on the phone and tell me exactly what happened.
And this is where my life came undone.
My life started chasing me with things I could not run from.
When I needed to sleep it felt like the lights were on.
“So tell me honey, what is it that I did wrong?
Why did I not have a say in this?”
I can barely understand her as she’s trembling.
She said, “It wasn’t you its me.”
“Then why do blame myself?
Why do I feel like its all my fault?”
“Kuyler, please don’t say that.
I know now I love you with my whole heart.”
I listen to her words but they now mean nothing.
She’s now just another person I can’t shake from my head.
This is the only moment in my life that I thought I would’ve been better off dead.