Focused without Adderall

by kuylerquijas

I’ve been shutting my mouth lately.
It’s not that I don’t have anything to add,
I’m just paying attention more.
I have some questions that I ask every night
But forget about in the morning.
This morning it was snowing and
I guess I got up on the right side of the bed
Because I could have got high but I didn’t.
My head was so far in the clouds I couldn’t hear my heart.
It was hard to understand.
Rising to heaven is the same as getting dirt thrown on your face.
I guess I’m lucky I woke up before I got buried.
Rinsing off my face, I saw mud seep from my eyes.
I wiped off my face and saw a younger me.
The boy I used to be.
I wasn’t happy but I was still hungry.
I couldn’t find love so I wrote about it.
Somewhere between there and some cigarettes I lost hope.
Beyond my regrets, I’ve been meaning to gain control.
I’ve been putting my paranoia behind me.
I’m still sorry I had to leave.
I lay at night praying you didn’t mean for me to never come back.
I meant for you to understand but I guess you didn’t listen.
I told you I’d be back;
I just don’t know when.
I’ve always pictured one day I’ll be driving fifty down the highway at sunset.
I’d have a cigarette in my mouth but nothing else in my head.
I wouldn’t ask any questions.
There would be no need for directions.
I’ve never owned a compass and I’m glad
Because there’s nowhere I could go that I would be disappointed with.
I’ll keep waiting for the answers to my questions
And on the way I’ll try to learn from every lesson.
If they close my coffin before I make it back home,
I never intended to hurt you.
If you spend your nights in your room all alone,
I hope it’s for your own heart.