I’m tired

by kuylerquijas

I’m a little too afraid of deception for my own health.
I’ve had lies spit in my face and I just let it set in.
It over casts my trust so much it’s hard to let anyone in,
But I’ve been hammering out my negative thoughts
In hopes to hold on to those I would have otherwise lost.
This game is harder to play when we both move away.
We don’t have much more than our word and it’s as satisfying as that night that I sat alone over the steam from the laundry driers as my cigarette pack began to dwindle in my hand.
You’re truthful by nature but get misguided by your tenth shot of jäger.
Alcohol has turned everyone I know against me at one point or another.
Waking up with dried up tears and vomit on your sweater I listen to you tell me you wouldn’t blame me if I went.
I would have if I had all the pieces and I might not have ignored his trace of spit on your lips.
Two years later I still think back on this and it’s hard to say if I feel comfortable behind grudges.
If they hold me like crutches until I can comfortably walk it’ll be worth my time.
Keeping past misery on a leash just to remind me of what others are capable of will keep me from peace.
If shut it all out and my smile will keep an umbrella folded in the rain
I will reclaim my sanity.
I will.
From this point and forward I will stomp my fears at the knees
And standing above them will please me.
I’m feeling stronger with a kick to it’s chest I leave it wheezing out on the sidewalk.
I don’t need help from anything but these memories that stay close to me.
If I can climb the trees and shake the branches until the leaves fall I’ll seem to be clear.
Bare, the tree now, no longer shaken from the storm clouds.
On bright days there will be no place for shade and we can sit under the sun with everything undone.
Make our peace with the shadows and try to carry on.
Without my past weighing me down I feel strong.
I am the only thing stopping me from moving on.